After holding the position for one year, all I can say it’s just great experience. Great experience in the sense that I learned a lot, both in good and bad aspects. But I do also have some dilemmas along this experience. I’m not going to narrate the whole thing as it will be kind of a difficult job to do so. Instead, I’ll just rant and rave in this post.
First of all, and to be honest, I never really like taking positions such as these. At that very moment when I was put into the assistant head position, I liked being an assessor more. But I realized all of us will be encountering similar events in life. So I guess I’ll just cope with it. Also, for one, I am an introvert and I am excessively paranoid about how people look at me, what they think about me all the time and so on. Which makes me worried all of the time that the assessors will not accept me in that position. More of that feeling came when I took the team head position and the team captain position. I was laughing at myself and joking over the people who voted for me that maybe I got the position because they can’t think of anyone excellent enough to fit into that position. You might think at this point that I may be looking down on myself too much but that’s how I really feel right now. No matter how much I feel that I am giving all the best, there’s still this nagging crap that people don’t really like it or it’s not enough. And I’m not the sort of person who’s good at reading and predicting the minds of people.
It makes me question myself, am I really holding this particular position because sometimes, there are people or majority of the people don’t really comply to what you say. When they do, they somewhat express or maybe I just feel that they are forced to do so. They do call you boss and the like but I really don’t feel it. But as a good friend said, “Just do good in your job, don’t mind what other people say.” Continued, “…if they are ranting stuff like that, they should take your position immediately”. At that point, those words made me calm a little bit. Not confident, just calm. Why? because I still cannot figure out the fact why there are people who still don’t follow and yet consider you as the one on top.
Take the dilemma of the previous team captain. She called a meeting one time and only I and two more just came, less than the number of people who can be considered as quorum for decisions. She got mad and ranted on the groups saying that she was totally disappointed for what happened. I did something similar but did not get mad in the same level as hers but of course, less terror, no one will believe. Little bit of excess and they will scamper away. It’s management on marvelous balance and I am stuggling.
Maybe that’s the key, my being lenient. I haven’t been that of a bossy person. In fact, I haven’t been as strict as the previous team captains. Before, the team captains, no matter who they elected on the core group, will enforce that they are in a position so important and they should do their job well. How did this went on? Well, all members of the core group are required to interview at least a bunch of applicants. The core members took their own team at their own discretion but never became lenient. For example, the team leaders recently are letting their members to use the internet at their own discretion. Before, no matter how long the idle time, they don’t allow internet usage unless permitted by the team captain.
So I guess, I’ll try to be strict? This is my final year anyway and the people are used to one-year old team captains rather than two-year old ones.
I have two more semesters to handle. Not that I want to get out of my misery in this job…I don’t want to let it go if I’m honest. I’m not giving up on this and if I’m going to give up, I would’ve done it a year before. I’ll just do whatever I have to do, and I’m done.
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